By David Atkinson


F*ck off.

Ok, tell us about your Christmas spesh, then?
It's an old fashioned Christmas ghost story with three stories in one - a bit like Pulp Fiction but set in Royston Vasey.

Most famous person you've met this year?
Well, Liza Tarbuck does a cameo in our Christmas Special. She's quite famous, I think.

Movie of the year?
Magnolia. That was the one that made the biggest impression on me.

Three hours, though?
Yeah, but it's nice to be able to site down for a while at our age.

Album of the year?
Lambchop's Nixon. It's a Rolls-Royce of an album.

Do you do the festivals or go to Ibiza?
Nah. I didn't even make it to a Harvest Festival this year.

Do you want to ask the audience, go 50:50 or phone a friend?
Always phone a friend. I actually resisted watching this for a long time but now find it strangely compelling. I think it brings out the old man in me, I quite enjoy shouting at the telly.

What do you think of the Slaters off 'Enders?
The only thing I like about them is the fact that one of the Slater girls used to play the girlfriend of a rough skinhead in Tucker's Luck (ye olde Grange Hill spin-off starring Mark Fowler). For that reason of nostalgia alone, I think they're alright.

Frank 'n' Pat or Frank 'n' Peggy?
I'd pay good money to see Frank masturbating while Pat and Peggy get it on for his sexual gratification. Honest.

Big Brother high point?
When it finished.

Smackdown Hotel?
Fuel Protestors. F*ck 'em.

Who let the dogs out?
My dad usually.


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2002-2006 Virtual Royston Vasey, except for bits belonging to The League of Gentlemen.