Q Magazine: As an expert in job restart, what advice would you give to George Michael?

Pauline: Have a shave. No-one likes a scruff, especially in the service industries. Straggly beards are OK if you're, say, Archbishop of Canterbury or a sightless politician, but stubble is a big no-on. I should know. I've lost two jobs because of it.

Q: Is being a musician a song career option?

Pauline: Hmm, tricky. While some golden oldies are still going strong - the Bucks Fizzes and Neil Sedakas - most music based careers are short term only, and you're as well having something to fall back on. Would George consider strip-o-grams? You get £30 a night, you meet lots of sexy young ladies and you can sleep in 'til dinner time, which I know will appeal to dole scum such as him. Think on.

Q: What was prison like? Was it like Prisoner Cell Block H?

Pauline: No, it's nothing like what you see on the telly. Programmes such as Prisoner and Bad Girls are just full of sensational clichés. The reality is very different. There's lots of big, burly bull-dykes who intimidate the new girls, a couple of wise old jail birds who give sage advice, and a particularly nasty warden with a vicious streak who's willing to break the rules in order to break the prisoners. My first day was the hardest. You're sent to the prison barber who offers you a 'Deirdre Rachid' or a 'Sandi Toksvig' (I chose the Deirdre), then you get strip-searched to make sure you're not carrying any contraband. Most girls manage to smuggle in a little something by putting it 'in the safe'.

Q: Did anyone get affectionate?

Pauline: Fat Laura was keen, I could tell, but she was Queen Carlene's bitch and you didn't mess with her! She made Anne Robinson look like... well, me. But then Carlene was ghosted out after stealing some batteries for The Exocet (don't ask) and I inherited her mantle. Black Geraldine wanted to fight me for it, but a few ping-pong balls in a surgical stocking and WHACK! - I was sow of D Wing. Who's the Mummy?!

Transcribed by Dave


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