THE PITCH OF FEAR - Spoof Sketch from Doctor Who Night
Headquarters1963. Muffin the Mule is walking out of Mr Borusa's office. David Walliams plays Sidney and Mark plays Mr
Mr Borusa: Yes Muffin, I'm
sorry too... (shuts the door)
Alright Sidney, thanks for coming in.
Sidney: Pleasure Sir
Mr Borusa: I understand you have a
little programme idea for us.
Sidney: Er yes sir..
Mr Borusa: Called...Drwhoo...?
Sidney: It's um, Dr Who, sir.
Mr Borusa: Oh I see!
Sidney: Basically it's about a man
who can travel anywhere in space and time!
Mr Borusa: Game show is it?
Sidney: No, Science Fiction.
Mr Borusa: Ohhh..
Sidney: His time machine is
disguised as a police box - well he calls
it a TARDIS which stands for 'Time And
Relative Dimensions In Space' because it's
actually- it's bigger on the inside than
Mr Borusa: Been done hasn't it?
Sidney: I'm sorry?
Mr Borusa: Go on!
Sidney: He's not a human he's a time
lord, and there's all kinds of monsters and
Mr Borusa: We're looking for
something to go just after the football
scores just before Jukebox Jury.
Sidney: Well this is - this is it, I
mean it's a real family show!
Mr Borusa: Oh smashing! Well how
long do you envisage the show running?
Sidney: Well... phrawah...
(thinks a bit) 26 years?
Mr Borusa: Really?
Sidney: Yes! I've got it all worked
out! The Doctor starts off as a crotchety
old man than after 3 years he completely
Mr Borusa: Regenerates as it
Sidney: Yes! Re-generates into,
well, a cosmic hobo.
Mr Borusa: And how long does he
Sidney: Another 3 years then he
changes into a dashing dandy with a mane of
white hair and a strange old-young face.
Mr Borusa: Well who do we have in
mind for that incarnation?
Sidney: Well I've spoken to Jon
Pertwee's agent, he becomes free in 1970.
Mr Borusa: Right.
Sidney: But we've got to release him
by 1974, (leans across desk) he's
got Wurzel Gummage.
Mr Borusa: Of course (leans
towards Sydney, they almost kiss, but then
walk away from each other) I've erm,
got some drawings here of what the Doctor
Sidney: Yes Sir. I think it's
important for the first 18 years we get the
costume exactly right. An Edwardian feel -
waistcoats, frock coats.
Mr Borusa: Then after that?
Sidney: Brrr anything goes really!
Jumpers, cricket whites, clowns costumes.
Mr Borusa: But won't that spoil the
mystery of the character?
Mr Borusa: Hmm we could always put
questions on the lapels. Sort of 'Dr Who'!
(Chuckles to self) I just thought of
a joke actually.. knock knock!
Sidney: Who's there?
Mr Borusa: Doctor.
Sidney: Doctor Who?
Mr Borusa: You just said it!
Sidney: (Looks confused) I
don't get it...
Mr Borusa: Oh...
Sidney: But I tell you now I don't
want to do this show unless we get the most
charismatic, talented actors to play the
Mr Borusa: For the whole 26 years?
Sidney: Nah, towards the end just
any old f*cker with an equity card...
Mr Borusa: Interesting. Hmm (sits
back, thinks and starts humming)
(There's a knock at the door in
time to the humming, like the Dr Who theme.
A courier comes in and gives something to
Mr Borusa to sign, and taps at the desk as
Borusa does the 'Oo oo Ooo oo oo' bit of
the theme. As he leaves Borusa gargles into
his drink, sounding like the TARDIS
Sidney: What was that?
Mr Borusa: What?
End of sketch.
Transcribed by Sarah
Courtesy of www.davidwalliamsfans.com
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