THE PITCH OF FEAR - Spoof Sketch from Doctor Who Night
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INT: BBC Headquarters1963. Muffin the Mule is walking out of Mr Borusa's office. David Walliams plays Sidney and Mark plays Mr Borusa

Mr Borusa: Yes Muffin, I'm sorry too... (shuts the door) Alright Sidney, thanks for coming in. (shakes hand)
Sidney: Pleasure Sir
Mr Borusa: I understand you have a little programme idea for us.
Sidney: Er yes sir..
Mr Borusa: Called...Drwhoo...?
Sidney: It's um, Dr Who, sir.
Mr Borusa: Oh I see!
Sidney: Basically it's about a man who can travel anywhere in space and time!
Mr Borusa: Game show is it?
Sidney: No, Science Fiction.
Mr Borusa: Ohhh..
Sidney: His time machine is disguised as a police box - well he calls it a TARDIS which stands for 'Time And Relative Dimensions In Space' because it's actually- it's bigger on the inside than the outside!
Mr Borusa: Been done hasn't it?
Sidney: I'm sorry?
Mr Borusa: Go on!
Sidney: He's not a human he's a time lord, and there's all kinds of monsters and aliens.
Mr Borusa: We're looking for something to go just after the football scores just before Jukebox Jury.
Sidney: Well this is - this is it, I mean it's a real family show!
Mr Borusa: Oh smashing! Well how long do you envisage the show running?
Sidney: Well... phrawah... (thinks a bit) 26 years?
Mr Borusa: Really?
Sidney: Yes! I've got it all worked out! The Doctor starts off as a crotchety old man than after 3 years he completely changes!
Mr Borusa: Regenerates as it were?
Sidney: Yes! Re-generates into, well, a cosmic hobo.
Mr Borusa: And how long does he last?
Sidney: Another 3 years then he changes into a dashing dandy with a mane of white hair and a strange old-young face.
Mr Borusa: Well who do we have in mind for that incarnation?
Sidney: Well I've spoken to Jon Pertwee's agent, he becomes free in 1970.
Mr Borusa: Right.
Sidney: But we've got to release him by 1974, (leans across desk) he's got Wurzel Gummage.
Mr Borusa: Of course (leans towards Sydney, they almost kiss, but then walk away from each other) I've erm, got some drawings here of what the Doctor might wear.
Sidney: Yes Sir. I think it's important for the first 18 years we get the costume exactly right. An Edwardian feel - waistcoats, frock coats.
Mr Borusa: Then after that?
Sidney: Brrr anything goes really! Jumpers, cricket whites, clowns costumes.
Mr Borusa: But won't that spoil the mystery of the character?
Sidney: Yes.
Mr Borusa: Hmm we could always put questions on the lapels. Sort of 'Dr Who'! (Chuckles to self) I just thought of a joke actually.. knock knock!
Sidney: Who's there?
Mr Borusa: Doctor.
Sidney: Doctor Who?
Mr Borusa: You just said it!
Sidney: (Looks confused) I don't get it...
Mr Borusa: Oh...
Sidney: But I tell you now I don't want to do this show unless we get the most charismatic, talented actors to play the Doctor!
Mr Borusa: For the whole 26 years?
Sidney: Nah, towards the end just any old f*cker with an equity card...
Mr Borusa: Interesting. Hmm (sits back, thinks and starts humming) Bobadabom bobadabom

(There's a knock at the door in time to the humming, like the Dr Who theme. A courier comes in and gives something to Mr Borusa to sign, and taps at the desk as Borusa does the 'Oo oo Ooo oo oo' bit of the theme. As he leaves Borusa gargles into his drink, sounding like the TARDIS materialising...)

Sidney: What was that?
Mr Borusa: What?

End of sketch.

Transcribed by Sarah
Courtesy of www.davidwalliamsfans.com

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