THE WEB OF CAVES - Spoof Sketch from Doctor Who Night
EXT: David - dressed as
an alien - stands on a cliff above the
Tardis before wiggling his fingers across
his face in a way that's fun to do to amuse
your friends on the other side of tube
Cut to David - the alien -
approaching the Tardis, pulling his
knickers out of his bottom. Knocks on the
door. Mark Gatiss appears as the Doctor
looking rather puzzled
Doctor: What? Can I help you?
Alien: Yes? Um, I'm- I'm bad.
Doctor: You're bad?
Doctor: What do you want me to do
Alien: (Moving hand across face
again) Stop us!
(Doctor wearily turns to go back inside.
Alien gets agitated)
Alien: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
(Tries variety of silly voices)
Doc-tor! No, no, no… Doc-TOR! No...
Doc-tor! (Pauses) DOK-TOR!
(Doctor starts, terrified)
Alien: (Still in breathy
Rent-A-Baddie voice) Ah, you fear me
Doctor: (Anxiously) What do
Alien: Er, I'm not sure. I haven't
thought of that yet… Maybe I should come
Doctor: Yes, come back tomorrow when
you've had a chance to think things
Alien: Yes. I will have a plan, and
you can stop me if you can, Time Lord!
Doctor: All right. See you then.
Alien: (Suddenly thinks of
something) Ooh! What if I were to
hollow out the earth's core and replace it
with a giant motor so that I can pilot the
planet anywhere in the universe-?
Doctor: It's been done.
Alien: (Surprised) Has it? Oh
well, you're the expert!
(Wanders off. Cut to Alien returning
with an excited alien friend - Paul Putner
- holding hands as they approach the
Alien: (To his friend) Let me
do the talking.
(Knocks on door and Doctor
appears, holding a cup of tea)
Doctor: (Over shoulder) It's
Alien: (In RAB voice) Er, I
Doctor: Oh yes
Alien: I've brought along a friend.
Friend: (Cheerfully) Hello!
(Recollects himself, putting on RAB
voice) I mean, hello DOK-TOR!
Doctor: Hello! You, er, you thought
Alien: Oooo Yes - I shall drain the
oceans into the earth's white hot molten
core and boil them away!
Doctor: What for?
Doctor: Power over what?
Alien: (A bit uncertain) The
Doctor: Well, again it's been
attempted, but if you're determined I
suppose I'll have to stop you.
(Alien and his friend bounce up
and down excitedly)
Alien: That is excellent, DOK-TOR.
Doctor: When is all this likely to
Doctor: Well, when exactly?
Doctor: Er, it's a Bank Holiday.
Doctor: I can't do the morning.
Doctor: All day?
Doctor: Okay, Wednesday it is! See
(Doctor goes back into the Tardis
and it de-materialises. Alien and his
friend start to walk off)
Alien: Let's go and do it.
Friend: Yes, let's do it, DOK-TOR!
Alien: He's the Dok-tor!
Friend: I understand, DOK-TOR!
Alien: Silence DOK-TOR! (Annoyed)
Oh, you've got me doing it now!
(Tardis reappears a few feet away
and Doctor emerges)
Doctor: Where've you brought me to
this time, old girl?
(Alien and his friend wave)
(Doctor waves back. Stands there
looking a bit unsure. With one arm pretends
to be strangled by someone from inside and
pulled back in, making a "What can you do?"
face. Alien and his friend turn to walk off
Alien: He's nice, inne?
End of sketch.
Transcribed by Sarah
Courtesy of www.davidwalliamsfans.com
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