THE WEB OF CAVES - Spoof Sketch from Doctor Who Night

EXT: David - dressed as an alien - stands on a cliff above the Tardis before wiggling his fingers across his face in a way that's fun to do to amuse your friends on the other side of tube carriages. Cut to David - the alien - approaching the Tardis, pulling his knickers out of his bottom. Knocks on the door. Mark Gatiss appears as the Doctor looking rather puzzled

Doctor: Yes?
Alien: Hello!
Doctor: What? Can I help you?
Alien: Yes? Um, I'm- I'm bad.
Doctor: You're bad?
Alien: Yes!
Doctor: What do you want me to do about it?
Alien: (Moving hand across face again) Stop us!
(Doctor wearily turns to go back inside. Alien gets agitated)
Alien: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! (Tries variety of silly voices) Doc-tor! No, no, no… Doc-TOR! No... Doc-tor! (Pauses) DOK-TOR!
(Doctor starts, terrified)
Alien: (Still in breathy Rent-A-Baddie voice) Ah, you fear me now, DOK-TOR!
Doctor: (Anxiously) What do you want?
Alien: Er, I'm not sure. I haven't thought of that yet… Maybe I should come back tomorrow…
Doctor: Yes, come back tomorrow when you've had a chance to think things through.
Alien: Yes. I will have a plan, and you can stop me if you can, Time Lord!
Doctor: All right. See you then.
Alien: (Suddenly thinks of something) Ooh! What if I were to hollow out the earth's core and replace it with a giant motor so that I can pilot the planet anywhere in the universe-?
Doctor: It's been done.
Alien: (Surprised) Has it? Oh well, you're the expert!
(Wanders off. Cut to Alien returning with an excited alien friend - Paul Putner - holding hands as they approach the Tardis)
Alien: (To his friend) Let me do the talking.
(Knocks on door and Doctor appears, holding a cup of tea)
Doctor: (Over shoulder) It's for me!
Alien: (In RAB voice) Er, I came yesterday.
Doctor: Oh yes
Alien: I've brought along a friend.
Friend: (Cheerfully) Hello! (Recollects himself, putting on RAB voice) I mean, hello DOK-TOR!
Doctor: Hello! You, er, you thought of anything?
Alien: Oooo Yes - I shall drain the oceans into the earth's white hot molten core and boil them away!
Doctor: What for?
Alien: Power!
Doctor: Power over what?
Alien: (A bit uncertain) The sea!
Doctor: Well, again it's been attempted, but if you're determined I suppose I'll have to stop you.
(Alien and his friend bounce up and down excitedly)
Alien: That is excellent, DOK-TOR.
Doctor: When is all this likely to take place?
Alien: Soon…
Doctor: Well, when exactly?
Alien: Monday…
Doctor: Er, it's a Bank Holiday.
Alien: Tuesday…
Doctor: I can't do the morning.
Alien: Wednesday…?
Doctor: All day?
Alien: Yes…
Doctor: Okay, Wednesday it is! See you then!
(Doctor goes back into the Tardis and it de-materialises. Alien and his friend start to walk off)
Alien: Let's go and do it.
Friend: Yes, let's do it, DOK-TOR!
Alien: He's the Dok-tor!
Friend: I understand, DOK-TOR!
Alien: Silence DOK-TOR! (Annoyed) Oh, you've got me doing it now!
(Tardis reappears a few feet away and Doctor emerges)
Doctor: Where've you brought me to this time, old girl?
(Alien and his friend wave)
Alien: Coo-ee!
(Doctor waves back. Stands there looking a bit unsure. With one arm pretends to be strangled by someone from inside and pulled back in, making a "What can you do?" face. Alien and his friend turn to walk off again)
Alien: He's nice, inne?

End of sketch.


Transcribed by Sarah
Courtesy of

Read The Pitch of Fear transcript
Read The Kidnappers transcript


This site is optimised for Internet Explorer 5.0+ and 800x600 resolution.

© 2002-2006 Virtual Royston Vasey, except for bits belonging to The League of Gentlemen.