THE KIDNAPPERS - Spoof Sketch from Doctor Who Night

INT: A typical Sci-Fi fan's bedroom, walls covered with various posters, including ones of Doctor Who. There are two beds, one of which is occupied by a sleeping man, Mark Gatiss . The door bursts open and two people enter. David Walliams wears a Red Dwarf T-shirt, has scruffy, unkempt black hair and glasses. The other is tied up, with a bag over it's head, so you cannot see that it is actually Peter Davison. David pushes Peter onto his bed, climbs across and sits next to him. Peter is evidently gagged but is making muffled noises of protest.

David: (Leans in towards Peter's ear) Shh! (Moves over to the other bed) Mark?
Mark doesn't respond

David: (A little louder, punctuated with a light prod) Mark. (Louder still, with a slap on the arm) MARK!

Mark: (Awakes crying out) Ohmygod! (dazed) David? What's going on? (reaches for a pair of glasses on his bedside table and looks at his watch) It's almost 10 O'clock at night...

David: I've got something for you!

Mark: (Sitting up with excitement) Ice Warriors Episode 2?

David: Better than that.

Mark: Ice Warriors Episode 3?!

David: No...

Mark: Ice Warriors epis-

David Cuts him off with a 'stop' hand gesture and points to the Peter

David: You know who this is don't you? His credits include 'Love for Lydia', 'A Very Peculiar Practice', 'All Creatures Great and Small'...

Mark: Robert Hardy?

David: ...And Doctor Who!

Mark: (Pauses) It's not Peter Davison!

David: Don't shout his name like he's a thing!

Mark: (Whispering) What's he doing here?

David: Well, you know how we always said it'd be nice if we'd hang around outside his flat in Belsize Park one night, soak a handkerchief in chloroform, press it to his face and bundle him into the boot of a car?

Mark: No.

David: Well, here he is!

David removes the bag from Peter Davison's head. He looks truly terrified!

Mark: Oh my God, it's really him!

Mark is now delirious with pleasure and excitement! He's laughing, but it soon turns to tears. He picks up a used hanky from the bedside table as if to blow his nose but puts it down immediately with an expression of disgust next to him.

Mark: I've not cried this much since Adric died.

David: Excuse my friend Mark, Peter Davison, he's a bit of a fan!

Mark: Enthusiast. (Turns to Peter) In 'Mawdryn Undead', Peter, when the brigadier... Peter...

David: (Theatrically) Don't ask him about Doctor Who! Everybody asks him about Doctor Who! He'll think you're a right nutcase!

Peter, is now looking at David, as though he where a right nutcase!

David: Ask him about his theatre work, or composing the theme to 'Button Moon'.

Mark: Well, will it be alright for Peter to sign some of my Target novelisations?

David: Peter is a friend, he is a guest in this house. Mark, you would not say to a friend "please put your signature to this Chris Achilleos illustration of the five incarnations of the Doctor, commissioned to celebrate 20 years of travel through time and space" NO!

Slaps his hand down on Peter's knee, Peter is now looking more worried than ever.

David: It's an imposition.

Mark: What about a photo? (Looks quickly at Peter) Would Peter mind if you took a photo of me...?

David: Well, I'm really not sure about this. I think it's a matter for Peter Davison. I'd hate to put him in-

Mark: Just one!

David: Ohh... (sighs) Alright then, alright!

David moves off the bed and retrieves a camera. Mark is now sitting on the other side of Peter.

Mark: Just one!

David: (Starts clicking away with the camera. accompanied by flashing and distorted close-ups Peter) Quick photo of Peter Davison, another photo of Peter Davison, Peter Davison, Peter Davis-. That's enough! How many photos do you need of Peter Davison?!

David and Mark return to the bed, one each side of Peter

Mark: David?

David: (Staring into the distance) Hmmm?

Mark: Do you think it'd be alright to kiss Peter?

David: Yes.

Peter's eyes widen as Mark turns off the light. There is a loud ripping as the tape gagging Peter is removed.

End of sketch.


Courtesy of

Read The Pitch of Fear transcript
Read The Web of Caves transcript


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