MY GAY DADS - Sketch from 'Mash and Peas do the USA'

Sindy: Jenny Evans

Brad: Reece Shearsmith
Gay Dads: David Walliams, Simon Greenall, Matt Lucas (Calvin)

Opening Song: Before Mum left she would often say, "Oh my word, I've married a gay. I've married a gay!"

Voice Over: The Cosby Show was recorded in front of a camera.
Sindy: (On telephone) OK Brad I'll see you later. We'll work on geometry. You hang up the phone first. No you! No you! (Enter Gay Dads)
Gay Dads: Hi Honey, I'm homo!
Calvin: We've just been to a Barbara Streisand concert.
Gay Dads: (Sings) I am a woman in love...
Sindy: Please, my Gay Dads, I have to do my maths homework for next semester. If I fail this time, I have to take summer school.
David: Ooh, get her!
Gay Dads: Woohoo! (Camp wavy hand action)
Simon: Hey Honey, guess what we're doing tonight?
Sindy: I don't know, going to the ball game?
Gay Dads: No…
Sindy: Putting up a shelf?
Gay Dads: No…
Sindy: Fixing a car?
Gay Dads: Eww!
Sindy: I give up.
Simon: We're having an orgy!
Gay Dads: Woohoo! (Camp wavy hand action)
David: In just two hours' time, all of `Frisco is gonna be giving each other head right where you're sitting! (Does blowjob action)
Calvin: That's right, that's right girl, and we're gonna be turning your bedroom into a backroom.
Gay Dads: Woohoo! (Camp wavy hand action)
Sindy: But my friend's coming over to study.
David: Oh, your "friend."
Calvin: Mmm, is this the new stud we've been hearing so much about?
Sindy: No… it… it's just my buddy… Kimberly.
Simon: Oh great, fag hag!
Gay Dads: Woohoo! (Camp wavy hand action. Phone rings. David picks up)
David: You don't say? You don't say? You don't say?
All: Who was that?
David: She didn't say!
Gay Dads: Woohoo! (Camp wavy hand action)
Calvin: Right, let's get this orgy started!
(In The Navy begins to play, and the Gay Dads dance gaily, and pretend to bugger each other. Sindy turns the light on and stops the music)
Gay Dads: Oooh!
Calvin: Draw the veil! (Doorbell rings)
Sindy: I'll get it.
Gay Dads: Nahahahah…
Calvin: I'm here. (Opens the door. Audience gasps)
Sindy: Brad!
Calvin: Are you here for the orgy?
Simon: Do you like water sports?
David: How big is your dick?
Brad: Sindy, who are these fags?
Sindy: Oh, don't mind them. They're just my Gay Dads.
Brad: Your Dads are gay? What are you, a lesbian? (Sindy shakes her head)
Brad: Sindy… I never wanna see you again. (Leaves. Sindy cries)
Simon: Sindy… ooh, I'm sorry…
Calvin: Me too, come on, group hug.
David: Let's workshop this as a family unit.
Simon: Calvin?
Calvin: Yes?
Simon: Have you got a hard on?
Gay Dads: Woohoo! (Camp wavy hand action. Sindy shrug)

End of sketch.

Transcribed by Nat


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