ONLY JERKS AND HORSES - Sketch from 'Mash and Peas do the USA'

Del Boy: Matt Lucas
Roderny: David Walliams
Trigger: Mark Gatiss
Home Boycey: Paul Putner

Voice Over: The Cosby Show was recorded in front of a dirty dog.

Uncle Robot: (Reading a magazine) Ooh, hot stuff. I'd love to see that HR 2000 without her cover on. (Enter Del Boy)
Del Boy: Nice jubbly! Hey, Uncle Robot, you'll go blind!
Uncle Robot: Greetings Master Del Boy, would you like a cup of coffee?
Del Boy: I'd love some coffee. But we haven't any coffee! I sent… I sent Roderny out to buy some about a half-hour ago. (Enter Roderny)
Audience member (Over sparse clapping): Oh, not him!
Roderny (In cockney accent): Alright Del? Hello Uncle… Robot. I bought you some double decaf espresso.
Audience: Hey, can you speak American, buddy? I can't understand what he's saying! Who is this limey asshole anyhow?
Del Boy: I asked for double espresso decaf, you wally.
Roderny: Oi Del, how was it down the market today?
Del Boy: The dollar was up nine points against the yen, I bought six thousand shares in zinc derivatives and made 2.8 million bucks.
Roderny: Yeah but… yeah. But I bet you bought some dodgy gear, and something hilarious happened?!
Del Boy: I… I'm sorry?
Roderny: Y'know, Del, like pillows made out of wood, or non-stick glue? Or a lorry load of used matches?
Del Boy: Why would I buy used matches? By its very nature a used match is worthless (Audience applaud) Roderny, you're a plonker. But I love ya man! You're my brother (Hugs Roderny)
Roderny: Right, Uncle Albert, Robot, er… tel…tell us about the war.
Uncle Robot: Does not compute.
Roderny: No but I bet you've got some great stories about all your adventures in the navy.
Uncle Robot: Does not compute; was never in navy. (Doorbell rings. Del Boy opens it)
Del Boy: Hey there, Trigger.
Trigger: Hello Del Boy. Thanks for that tip about the zinc derivatives.
Del Boy: Nice jubbly!
Roderny: Oh, I get it Del, they're dodgy shares, and you've conned stupid old Trigger into buying them from you! Nice one Del…
Trigger: Look Roderny…
Roderny: Call me Dave.
Trigger: But your name is Roderny.
Roderny: No, but it would be funny if you call me Dave.
Audience member: Yeah right!
Trigger: Look Dave… (long pause during which there is no laugh) Look Roderny (the audience laugh), being a professor of Harvard only entitles me to a modest salary. Del Boy's tip enables me to buy that house in Malibu, divorce my new wife and make a sizeable donation to the church of scientology. (Doorbell rings. Enter Home Boycey)
Home Boycey: Yo.
Del Boy and Trigger: Yo.
Del Boy: Hey, Home Boycey!
Home Boycey: Hey Del, thanks for selling me those big shares. Now I can get out of the ghetto.
Roderny: Oh, now I get it Del… you've forged the share certificates, and they're worthless!
Del Boy: No, Roderny, that would be against the law. If I were to forge share certificates, I would be punished by the Supreme Court and rightly so.
Roderny: But surely there's some kind of con in here somewhere?
Del Boy: I don't know about England, Roderny, but in this country we believe in truth, justice and the American way.
(All start humming. Phone rings. A man picks it up and holds it to Uncle Robot's ear)
Uncle Robot: You don't say? You don't say? You don't say?
Roderny: Who was that?
Audience member: Get him off!
Del Boy: Why, it was the Queen, Roderny. She demands that you return to England immediately.
Roderny: What, leave the show?
All: Yes.
Roderny: What, now?
All: Yes.
Roderny: I do not believe you, Del! (Long pause) Ok, bye.
Del Boy: Great, now Roderny's gone, I can finally open up that pizzeria I've always dreamed of! (The set changes to a restaurant)
Home Boycey: There's your food.
Trigger: Hey, I don't like anchovies!
Home Boycey: Don't like anchovies, huh? I'll get the chef.
Del Boy: Oh, he doesn't like anchovies, huh? Well, take that… (Pushes Trigger's head into the pizza. He and Home Boycey laugh)
Uncle Robot: Hey, if this isn't the craziest restaurant in town.
(Enter Roderny. Looks at the pizza sign. Sticks two fingers up at Del Boy and leaves. Walks onto a black and white set, with air raid sirens in the background)
Roderny: Oh, shit, I'm in the 1940s!

End of sketch.

Transcribed by Nat


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