ONLY JERKS AND HORSES - Sketch from 'Mash and Peas do the USA'
Del Boy: Matt Lucas
Roderny: David Walliams
Trigger: Mark Gatiss
Home Boycey: Paul Putner
The Cosby Show was recorded in front of a
(Reading a magazine) Ooh, hot stuff.
I'd love to see that HR 2000 without her
cover on. (Enter Del Boy)
Boy: Nice jubbly! Hey, Uncle Robot,
you'll go blind!
Robot: Greetings Master Del Boy, would
you like a cup of coffee?
Boy: I'd love some coffee. But we
haven't any coffee! I sent… I sent Roderny
out to buy some about a half-hour ago.
Audience member (Over sparse
clapping): Oh, not him!
Roderny (In cockney accent):
Alright Del? Hello Uncle… Robot. I bought
you some double decaf espresso.
Audience: Hey, can you speak American,
buddy? I can't understand what he's saying!
Who is this limey asshole anyhow?
Boy: I asked for double espresso decaf,
Roderny: Oi Del, how was it down the
Boy: The dollar was up nine points
against the yen, I bought six thousand
shares in zinc derivatives and made 2.8
Roderny: Yeah but… yeah. But I bet you
bought some dodgy gear, and something
Boy: I… I'm sorry?
Roderny: Y'know, Del, like pillows made
out of wood, or non-stick glue? Or a lorry
load of used matches?
Boy: Why would I buy used matches? By
its very nature a used match is worthless
(Audience applaud) Roderny, you're a
plonker. But I
love ya man! You're my brother (Hugs
Roderny: Right, Uncle Albert, Robot, er…
tel…tell us about the war.
Robot: Does not compute.
Roderny: No but I bet you've got some
great stories about all your adventures in
Robot: Does not compute; was never in
navy. (Doorbell rings. Del Boy opens it)
Boy: Hey there, Trigger.
Trigger: Hello Del Boy. Thanks for that
tip about the zinc derivatives.
Boy: Nice jubbly!
Roderny: Oh, I get it Del, they're
dodgy shares, and you've conned stupid old
Trigger into buying them from you! Nice one
Trigger: Look Roderny…
Roderny: Call me Dave.
Trigger: But your name is Roderny.
Roderny: No, but it would be funny if
you call me Dave.
Audience member: Yeah right!
Trigger: Look Dave… (long pause
during which there is no laugh) Look
Roderny (the audience laugh), being
a professor of Harvard only entitles me to
a modest salary. Del Boy's tip enables me
to buy that house in Malibu, divorce my new
wife and make a sizeable donation to the
church of scientology. (Doorbell rings.
Enter Home Boycey)
Boy and Trigger: Yo.
Boy: Hey, Home Boycey!
Boycey: Hey Del, thanks for selling me
those big shares. Now I can get out of the
Roderny: Oh, now I get it Del… you've
forged the share certificates, and they're
Boy: No, Roderny, that would be against
the law. If I were to forge share
certificates, I would be punished by the
Supreme Court and rightly so.
Roderny: But surely there's some kind
of con in here somewhere?
Boy: I don't know about England,
Roderny, but in this country we believe in
truth, justice and the American way.
start humming. Phone rings. A man picks it
up and holds it to Uncle Robot's ear)
Robot: You don't say? You don't say?
You don't say?
Roderny: Who was that?
Audience member: Get him off!
Boy: Why, it was the Queen, Roderny.
She demands that you return to England
Roderny: What, leave the show?
Roderny: What, now?
Roderny: I do not believe you, Del!
(Long pause) Ok, bye.
Boy: Great, now Roderny's gone, I can
finally open up that pizzeria I've always
dreamed of! (The set changes to a
Boycey: There's your food.
Trigger: Hey, I don't like anchovies!
Boycey: Don't like anchovies, huh? I'll
get the chef.
Boy: Oh, he doesn't like anchovies,
huh? Well, take that… (Pushes Trigger's
head into the pizza. He and Home Boycey
Robot: Hey, if this isn't the craziest
restaurant in town.
(Enter Roderny. Looks at the pizza sign.
Sticks two fingers up at Del Boy and
leaves. Walks onto a black and white set,
with air raid sirens in the background)
Roderny: Oh, shit, I'm in the 1940s!
End of sketch.
Transcribed by Nat
Read My Gay Dads transcript